TALKING TO FRIENDS AND NEW PEOPLE

Opening up to friends about your disability can be difficult, and many people find their disability makes maintaining friendships difficult. This page offers some helpful advice, but remember you can always reach out to Student Services if you are struggling.

Why you might or might not want to discuss your disability with friends

Why discuss your disability

There are many reasons why you might want to talk about your disability with other people:

you need help from other people sometimes;
you want to explain the day-to-day difficulties you have;
you feel it is an important part of your identity;
you want to explain why you cannot do certain activities;
you want to explain why certain comments and actions are upsetting for you or other disabled people;
people are being awkward around you;
you want to talk about a past life experience associated with your disability;

There are also some reasons that people often do not want to discuss their disability:

you are worried people will treat you differently;
you do not feel it affects you significantly or is an important part of your life;
you are worried people will ask invasive or personal questions;
talking about your disability upsets you;

At the end of the day, it is your choice whether or not you want to discuss your disability with other people. Some people can find talking beneficial, and can feel confident explaining their disability to other people. For others, discussions about their disability can cause significant stress and worry. Some people choose to talk about their disability openly, and for others, they only discuss it with a select set of people.

How much or how little you choose to talk about your disability, and who you choose to talk about it with, is absolutely your choice and your choice only. You should not have to deal with people asking invasive questions or comments you do not want to answer. If you’re ever having trouble with harassment of this or any nature and you’re not sure what to do, you should speak to your hall warden, Student Services, or the Disability Team.

Starting a conversation

Talk about your disability when you are ready - don’t feel you need to rush the conversation. You don’t have to explain everything all at once if you don’t want to. You can also take time to prepare for the conversation first.

For instance, you might want to speak to other disabled people about how they have broached conversations about their disability in the past, and the sorts of questions people ask. This will not necessarily completely prepare you - your experience with your disability is unique and people may ask unexpected questions - but it can give you the opportunity to consider the kind of things you might want to talk about and the sorts of questions you may want to answer. There are many Facebook groups for people with various conditions and impairments, and there are also many Facebook groups for disability in general, including this group for disabled students in St Andrews where we are happy for you to ask any questions you might have.

You should have a think about what you want to say, and how much about your disability you feel comfortable discussing. You may also choose to invite people to ask questions, or ask them not to ask questions at all.

You should also consider who you want to speak to. Most people feel more comfortable having conversations about their disability with people they know well. You may want to wait until you know someone well and have built a good friendship. You may also choose to share more and more details over time as you get to know each other.

How you broach the conversation is up to you. Some people may feel more comfortable talking about their disability in other conversations where it may be relevant, potentially in an off-handed sort of way. Others may prefer to address it directly and mention everything all at once to get everything out in the open.

Remember, you should always feel comfortable discussing your disability. You don’t have to feel pressured to discuss more than you may want to.

Starting a conversation

Dealing with negative and invasive comments

It is unfortunate that disabled people often experience invasive, negative, or discriminatory comments or behaviour surrounding their disability. Some people are just rude, but many of these situations arise due to the general ignorance and lack of education surrounding the topic of disability or due to someone not being aware of your personal boundaries or experiences. If you want, there are some techniques that can help you avoid or deal with these situations when they arise. That being said, never feel like it is your job to make other people feel comfortable about your disability or to educate others if you do not want to. Your disability is your own experience and you should prioritise yourself first when discussing it.

Some people may ask a lot of questions or make inappropriate comments simply because they find disability hard to visualise or understand properly. Often this is due to a lack of education on the wide range of disabilities and how they affect people. To tackle this you might want to:

try to explain your disability in an easy to understand way. For many conditions, there are resources online that explains things simply, often using metaphors or comparisons to experience people can more easily conceptualise;
you can direct the person to resources about your disability where they can learn more, like a website or article. A different viewpoint or format could help them understand;
you could use examples from your own experiences to illustrate how your disability affects you. For instance, “I couldn’t do this because of this symptom”;
explain why you don’t want to answer certain questions, or experiences you would not like to discuss. You could also say you would not like to answer any questions at all if that would be easier;

Other people may make inappropriate comments or use the wrong language because they do not understand why it is offensive or upsetting. If you’d like, you can explain why those comments are wrong, or point them to resources online that explain it if that would make you more comfortable.

Most people will eventually understand and be supportive of you when you discuss your disability, and will be open to learning why their behaviour is wrong. If someone is harassing you, or making inappropriate comments you do not feel comfortable addressing, the university may be able to help you.

The university has an obligation to deal with students or staff members who behave inappropriately to other students or staff. This is particularly important for instances of discrimination or bullying, which ableist comments would be. If you want to report an instance of this to the university (or simply discuss the difficulties you are having without starting a disciplinary procedure), then you can reach out to Student Services, the Disability Team, or your warden.

The union also has a policy for dealing with instances of harassment, bullying, or discrimination on their premises. More details on the union’s Zero Tolerance Policy is here.

Dealing with negative comments

More resources on talking about disability with friends

Resources on talking about disability

Scope have an article on broaching the subject of disability with new people, found here.

The Center for Disability Rights has an article on ableism, found here.

Jessica Kellgren-Fozard makes videos explaining different aspects of disability here.

Spoon and Fork Theory can be useful for explaining different kinds of disabilities and how they affect you in an easy to understand way:

there is an article on spoon theory here;
there is an article on fork theory here;

Making friends and getting involved with activities

Many disabled people can find making and maintaining friendships difficult for a variety of reasons including, but not limited to:

you are worried about receiving judgement from new people;
you cannot get involved in the same activities as other people;
you need people to help you or look after you during activities;
you find communicating with other people stressful or difficult;

These are common experiences for disabled people, but friendships are important and they can make university life more fulfilling and enjoyable. You shouldn’t have to educate other people on your disability if you do not want to, but there is advice available for people who want to, and some ways to get involved in activities at university that may be more comfortable for you.

get involved in society activities: the main thing to get involved in (other than your course!) at university is societies. There are tonnes of societies to get involved with in St Andrews (a full list is here) so there is likely to be something that matches your interests and capabilities;
get help going to events: it is understandable that many disabled people may find going to events daunting, particularly if they need help communicating their needs or have difficulties speaking to other people. Some groups (like Saints LGBT+) let people contact them in advance if they are worried about attending an event on their own, and many other groups have Facebook pages where you can contact someone if you need help;
get help from Peer Support: Peer Support can also match you with a volunteer who can meet up with you for a chat or accompany you to events in St Andrews so reach out to them if that is something you would like - details here;
Facebook Groups and Group Chats: every year has a Facebook Group where people advertise events and information. There are also tonnes of group chats to join for people with certain interests if you would like. Many societies and committees operate Facebook groups for people with certain interests or identities, so have a look through Facebook for communities with things in common with you;
making plans with friends: your friends might worry about inviting you to things you might not be able to do, or not understand your needs to know why certain events they plan might not be accessible for you. You can try telling your friends examples of activities you can do, or organising an event yourself. You may also want to ask your friends to invite you to every event, regardless of accessibility, so you can make decisions about accessibility yourself;
find out about accessible locations: there is tonnes of accessibility guides and reviews online. Some resources you might be interested in are:
- AccessAble: university buildings as well as some other buildings in St Andrews have access guides on here;
- Euan’s Guide: access guides and reviews for many commercial premises and nearby tourist attractions are listed here;

More advice is available in this article by Scope.

If you are ever feeling lonely or homesick, this page on the university website provides information on some things you can do to help yourself, as well as who you can speak to in Student Services if you need some support.

Getting involved with activities